doki doki

My heart is pounding with the possibility of seeing him, and being with him again. It means so much to me that he wants those things. He has been my solace in this dark world, and without him I feel so very alone. Speaking with him daily gives me hope, and gives me a fresh sense of being loved. Being without him has made me realize how much I loved my life with him. And how wonderful it is to have just one person to share your life with. Even more I've realized, how wonderfull it is to have him to share my life with.

Winter Chills

"I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And its one more day up in the canyon
And its one more night in hollywood
Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should"

-Counting Crows, Long December

This will be a long December. I have to spend it without my husband. I guess it's a little early to be talking about December when it's not quite November yet, but this song just popped into my head. We've been talking things, trying to work on getting back together. It's a good thing. I feel good about how we're communicating and how we're loving each other. Of course I'm a little scared. Having to spend so much time away from my spouse is just a scary thing. But, I think there is reason to believe that next year will be better than the last. It might be a long December, but I'm hoping for a good, long life ahead of that.

good night... not such good luck

It's our anniversary. I spent the day in the car with my aunts and my mom, driving back roads, browsing antique stores, and eating a late lunch (my only meal of the day, of course). I did talk to him, but I'm so nervous. I want to see him, touch him, make love to him. It hasn't quite been five days since I've seen, but god how I want him. I don't know how long I can wait to see him again, if I already miss him this much. I wonder if he even notices my absence.

A complete side note... In the few years that I've spent in California, I noticed a small California-ism. When people are talking about their own bedroom, they often say "the room". As in, "I got a new table, it's in the room." I've heard several native Californians say this. I got another confirmation of this speech pattern when my Mom took me to see my Grandpa's new home yesterday. (They moved to Oregon just a few months ago.) His wife said, "yeah, we've got a tv in the room, but we don't turn it on that much" meaning the tv in their bedroom. It's the sort of speech pattern that doesn't usually get noticed, and it amazes me that it is such a Californian thing to say.

not over

"I can't accept that it's over...
I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And i swear i'll do my best to comply

...

I admit that i have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again"

-The Postal Service, Nothing Better

I imagine myself saying these things to him. Only, I probably don't sound as poetic. And my voice would waver. Are these singers really feeling emotion when they sing this song? I wonder how they can feel these emotions and still sing with strong, clear voices. Every time I try to express the painful feelings I have, my voice doesn't want to let me. I just hope that when I tell him I love him I don't sound pathetic.

sleeping too little

Dreams fade
As soon as I wake.
The only memories are
your smile
your touch
your love.

It's no use digging the memories up,
I know they're only dreams.
How painful that my beautiful dreams
should haunt me with this pain.
And I wonder if I should call my sleep

a beautiful reminder
or a painful memory.

a new routine

I'm getting settled into a new place. A lot has been going on recently, and for the time being, my husband and I are separated. I'm hopeful that this is just a temporary break for both of us to get things together and learn to be a little more mature. If anyone feels like ranting about and listening to me rant about separation issues, feel free to email me.

So, I'm in Oregon, at my parent's house, and I'm going to be looking for work. First things first though, I need a comfortable place to sleep, leave my things, and conduct personal time wasting activities. Fortunately, I can have a room to myself. Unfortunately, it's not very big and it has a lot of stuff already in it. Fortunately, my parents are pretty flexible, and didn't mind me moving some things out so that I could have some space for my stuff. Unfortunately, we couldn't completely clean out the closet because they just don't have anywhere else to put this stuff.

My new room makes me feel a little strange. It's weird being back at my parent's house after so long. It's also a little weird because they've moved since the last time I lived with them. Even though I've visited them and seen this house since then, it's not the same place I grew up. Not even in the same town. Of course, right now, I'm feeling like that's a good thing, since I don't have to worry about running into people from high school. I've got enough room for a bed, a dresser, a table, and I'll probably bring a comfortable chair in here. It's homey, and livable. The only thing missing is my husband.

In any case, I'm lucky to have a fairly comfortable room, a place to store my stuff, and not too many bills to worry about for the time being. As long as I get a job soon, I'll be fine with money. I'm just a little reluctant to look for work, I hate the whole job search process. But it must be done.